Got my results

So yesterday I called the clinic to get my results. That I was anxiously awaiting. I found out at 4pm what they were. And…………………………….They were negative(I’m not sensitized) *YIPPEE* I am so very very grateful. I thanked God.

I can breath a sigh of relief now. But yesterday was hard for me. After the results I had gone home to find that we are going to head to town(I’ll explain why in another blog). But on the way there. I realized my arms are still empty. I guess life finally got busy enough for me not to think about it or I tried to ignore it. Go figure it would have to flare and I would have to come face to face with what pains me so.

I wish you all could’ve felt that moment with me. One thought but tons of feelings. Which brought tears that I sniffled back as I didn’t want to explain to my hubby why I was crying. I wanted to silently mourn my childless life. How do you explain to your hubby that your heart isn’t full. That no matter what you do or how much you love him there is a big piece missing.

How do you tell someone you feel cheated. That your angry. And sometimes you can be angry at the simplest things like the sun. For shining to bright when you feel so blue. Or how you laugh when you get caught in the rain. Its a moment you feel closest to your angel baby.

I want children more then anything in this world. Will I ever get my child? I find myself asking that question over and over again. Or asking strangers hoping they have THE answer. Why would God give me such a desire to have a child if I weren’t meant to have one?? That makes no sense to me.

But only God knows my life and what is to come. And I always jokingly say I wish he’d give me a hint every now and again(a sneak peek into my life book). Or I ask for a rewrite as I think a mistake has been made as my heart is hurting and my arms are empty.

I feel deep down in my heart where the pain doesn’t hurt so much that I will become a mommy. Its just a matter of waiting till it does happen.

I think my hormones are on a rampage right now as AF is here visiting. Which I’m happy to say only took her 25days to get here. Lot better then 50 some. I’m unsure if I actually ovulated cause I didn’t temp enough or reg. enough. Either way I’m just happy to have AF here to get a new start and another chance to achieve our dream.

Sometimes it feels like it will never happen. After 4yrs its hard to even imagine it happening. Though I know its possible. I have seen many people get pregnant after 4+yrs of TTC. My cousin tried for 8yrs before she had her daughter. (I pray it doesn’t take that long for us I feel my heart couldn’t handle it.)

Sorry this blog is all over the place. My mind is just going in so many directions and I figured if I got it out maybe something would make sense or I would hurt less. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Today I just feel lost…………………..